4 Tips on How to Speak to Your Spouse

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4 Tips on How to Speak to Your Spouse

It’s not easy to be on your best behavior after an exhausting day at work or at home with your kids, but it’s not okay to react harshly to the one you love.

Here are things to keep in mind that will help you take the high road and strengthen your relationship for years to come.

Remember the power of politeness.

Tact and respectful communication are a positive in every interaction. No matter whom you’re talking to—the clerk, your mother-in-law, or your partner—people are always more responsive when you treat them with consideration.

Think about how natural it felt to be kind to your partner when you first met.

Have you slid into bad habits without even noticing? We can all hear the difference between saying “Could you please finish the dishes?” and “Couldn’t you at least do the dishes?” but we often give in to the impulse to be agitated in the moment.

Just as skipping your workout one day makes it easier to give up on your exercise plan, casual rude comments can become “gateways” to larger ones. Treat respectful communication as a personal goal, and put in the effort to achieve it.

Practice gratitude.

Adding this ritual to your day is a hugely valuable “reset” when you find yourself reacting to your partner in a not-nice way: Pause for a few moments in the car after you drop the kids off at school or after you’ve slammed the door on your way to work and take five slow, calming breaths.

Then reflect on five things you are truly grateful for in your life. Even if you have ongoing problems with your partner, there are still things that you appreciate (“She works hard to pay the bills;” “He’s a good dad”).

Saying unkind things can cause us to dwell on evidence that justifies our negative behavior. Bringing your blessings to mind restores a sense of proportion.

Be kind to yourself.

Sometimes the hardest thing of all is to give ourselves a break, and our short temper with loved ones flows from our discontentment with ourselves.

In psychology, it’s called projection. But when you find yourself criticizing your partner for the things you don’t like about yourself, it’s a lose-lose situation: You cause pain by being unpleasant, and you also avoid facing your own problems.

Linda, a therapy client, informed me that she’d told her husband he was “boring,” a blanket comment about his character that really stung. As we talked, she realized she was feeling uninspired and a bit boring herself and even worried he would lose interest in her.

Think about what makes you impatient or insensitive with your partner, and consider if it might be something you secretly see in yourself. If so, be kinder to yourself and it’ll be easier to be kind to your loved ones.

Understanding is at the heart of loving relationships.

I had a meeting with a couple in therapy during which the wife criticized her husband for liking sushi. Because she personally didn’t like sushi, she’d decided there was something “wrong” with anyone’s liking it.

However, respecting differences is essential in any healthy relationship. What feels important to you might not feel important to your partner in the same way and vice versa, and insisting on sameness is a surefire road to snarkiness.

Being considerate to your partner almost always involves trying to appreciate his or her perspective.

Your husband may want to talk about the kids, and you may be too exhausted. You may want to vent about your day, but he may be too distracted. You may have tense disagreements about money.

Recognizing the validity of his point of view, even if you disagree, helps give you more patience. It makes you less likely to say “Could you just stop talking?” and more able to say “Could we talk about your day after I’ve had a moment to rest?”

Daphne de Marneffe, Ph.D

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